The day our daughter was born, 11-28-2013

We had been in the hospital a week before for a false alarm, contractions on and off all that week. Lots of pressure, discomfort, you know all those 'it's almost time' stuff. Then the night before thanksgiving I started having contractions again, except for this time they didn't stop! James and I were so excited, finally! It was really time. We are going to have our baby girl. So we did what everyone does, we grabbed our bags and off to the hospital we went. It was about 10:30pm. I was still only 4cm when we got to the hospital, so we waited, labor picked up pretty quickly and within a few hours I was in very active very painful labor. By 3am labor was too intense for me, I was screaming in pain. I got an epidural. By 5am I was pushing. Things were moving also so quickly and so smoothly. I was so excited. Finally, the birth I had always wanted. To push my baby out myself (my son was emergency c-section) and to have her placed onto my chest. 

Two hours into pushing, she wasn't descending, and her heart rate started to 'act up'. So it was decided, no more pushing... c section. Things move pretty quickly when babies are in distress and a c-section is decided. I was sad that I wouldn't get the birth I had planned and hoped for for so many months, but I know this drill. It happened before, so having the knowledge of how it goes was comforting. I wasn't nervous at all. In the OR I actually even fell asleep because I was so exhausted from no sleep and the pains of labor. 

Then at 7:08am Thanksgiving morning our daughter was born. Little did we know that in that moment it would feel like someone just slammed on the brakes. That everything in life would stop, everything around us would stop, our lives would changed. 

We were told that our daughter was not breathing, that she was completely unresponsive and that she was intubated and to be taken off to the NICU. James had just enough time to take two pictures before she was sent off. In that moment I was laying on the OR table, my insides completely cut open just thinking to my self what is going on?! It was almost like a movie. You hear of these things happening to other people, maybe even someone you know of... but never to you. I just kept thinking, 'is this really happening?' 'what is going on here?'

A few hours later I was in recovery and a NICU Dr comes to talk to us. We are told that Maura is in very bad shape, that she need to be transported to the another hospital and to go through an induced hypothermia procedure to cool her body in the hopes to stop the brain from any further damage because of its asphyxiation. I was in total denial of the real severity of the situation. 

She was rushed off to another hospital 30min away, and later that afternoon I was transported to be with her via ambulance. 

Having a child changes your life. We had experienced that with our son. But having a child like this changed our world in a whole new way. All of our hopes and dreams for her life where now up in the air. You go from, What will her little personality be like? What will she be when she grows up? Will she marry? ... to ... Will she make it? Will she live? Will she be able to live a "normal" life? Will she be handicap? What will our life with her look like now? How will we do this? Why did this have to happen to US? Question after question.

Being told that your child is now a 'special needs' child. That she could very possibly never walk, never talk, never eat. That she could be severely handicap for the rest of her life... this blow is indescribable. Devastating. Crippling almost. You have never felt a deeper suffering. 

I'm not going to lie... this isn't the hand that I wanted. This isn't the life that I wanted. Filled with numerous specialists and therapists. And I hate myself for struggling with this so much. I feel like a horrible mother at times. 

I am continually trying to remind myself that God is still good. He does work all things out for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). This was not an oops, this was not an accident. He knew this would happen and He allowed it to happen. Which means this is how He has chosen to tell His story through James and my life. His story, not ours. 

I pray that as Maura continues to grow and as I continue to learn how to be her mother, that God's grace, mercy and knowledge would constantly surround me. That these struggles would just draw me closer to Him.